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Title: Like Dancing On Thin Ice
Genre: Poem
Rating: PG


Standing alone
the beat's slowed down
people fade out
with opposing hands bound

You appear
adding weight to mine
we begin to sway
to the rumbling bassline

Hair wrapped behind you
eyes looking up at me
I've been to many place
and this is the strangest place to be.

This'll all be adrift,
deep in my mind down the line.
Wishing I could go back
and pick up on a sign.

Title: Fallujah
Genre: Poem
Rating: R (for descriptions of war)


The child clings
to the headless man's body
both lost in a blaze
in a shellshocked street

There's murder in the hearts of some
and grief in the eyes of others.
Some are soldiers; some are lovers
but their views can never meet.

Exploding buildings, disintegrating lives
the commander sees it in black and white
while sand drains color from a private's sight
Nobody needs to be crying in this heat...

When will we realize?
Everyone is someone's own
no matter what colors they wave
no matter what faith they seek.

This fight is for freedom
or so they say
how free is a man
when they cover him in a sheet?

Title: Arguments At 4 A.M.
Genre: Poem
Rating: PG-13


It was as the sun broke
you screamed at the wall
I sat back and watched
for awhile

There's this sudden loss
in your life all the time
And it's nothing helpful
to crack a smile

They sky was still on fire
and you slammed the door
You want an apology;
It's not my style.

You'll come back with bread
from that Italian on the street;
pretending it never happened,
and just swallow your bile.

And the cycle will go on...
Current Mood:
blank blank
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[User Picture]
On November 28th, 2004 12:35 pm (UTC), liteinthewindow commented:
dude, sorry it's taken me a while to respond and that i'm the ONLY one to respond. COMON' GUYS!

but i really enjoyed your poems and your technique seems to be tightening up, cutting out the rough edges and the poems seem clearer and more focused.
i enjoyed these a lot. keep it up!
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[User Picture]
On November 28th, 2004 11:20 pm (UTC), butathinsilence commented:
Standing alone describe it differently, that line certainly didn't make me want to read it because I've heard it before and it's a bit boring
people fade out I think you should either change this or get rid of it, it's cliche the way you have it here.

I've been to many place
and this is the strangest place to be. I love what you're trying to say here!! oh but say it differently, I think and it will be prettier>

and pick up on a sign. I HATE that this line, I think you should get rid of it.

overall, it was a pretty good poem.

next one:

both lost in a blaze I say you take out the both, it would sound better that way

There's murder in the hearts of some
and grief in the eyes of others. I say you rephrase this.

Some are soldiers; some are lovers
but their views can never meet. why?!

Exploding buildings, disintegrating lives I think disintegrating ruins the flow of the poem, choose another word, there are many

while sand drains color from a private's sight I don't understand this line :o

Nobody needs to be crying in this heat...get rid of the 3 dots

When will we realize?
Everyone is someone's own
no matter what colors they wave
no matter what faith they seek. I don't like this stanza, I think it's cheesy

This fight is for freedom
or so they say
how free is a man
when they cover him in a sheet? I like what you're saying, sort of, but try and change the way it is said, it doesn't flow very well this way.

ok, this one was all right I guess, it sort of seemed like you threw a lot of seperate ideas together and I got excited when I read the first stanza but was disappointed by the rest.

next:


It was as the sun broke
you screamed at the wall
I sat back and watched
for awhile what about this:
You screamed into the wall
as the sun broke
and I sat back,
watching

There's this sudden loss
in your life all the time
I think "There is a sudden loss" would sound better. It doesn't make sense though that the loss is sudden and yet it's constant? maybe you should fix that.


And it's nothing helpful
to crack a smile the way this is put together doesn't seem right.

and you slammed the door when you slammd the door maybe?

pretending it never happened, I think you should get rid of this line
and just swallow your bile. and get rid of the just in this line


And the cycle will go on... and, you have to get rid of this! oh, it makes for a weak ending

This was good, the last was my favorite. I think you've got something. :) Good luck and thanks for the lovely read.















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